REAL SCARY

Like many people, I am afraid of Godzilla. I saw what he did toTokyo, not to mention Mothra and Megalon. If I’m at the post office and Godzilla shows up, I’m getting the fuck out of there. He is the scariest monster in the world. In Japan, people run down the street and scream, “Gozira! Aaaah!” all the time. Blue Oyster Cult made a hit song out of the whole phenom, called—guess what?—“Godzilla.”

That crazy ass dragon will stomp your town flat and throw it in the ocean like a big Frisbee. Since there is no 100% certain scientific proof beyond a reasonable doubt that Godzilla is not real, I will remain scared of him. I mean, nobody can say they know for a fact that he doesn’t exist, is all.

Monsters have been bothering people forever, and existed in classical mythology. Cerberus is a three-headed dog with a snake’s tail who hung around guarding Hades. A centaur, half man, half horse, was mean and probably stinky. Then there’s Medusa, the once beautiful maiden whose hair turned into a snake pit. This has happened to me several times and I do not think she should qualify for the monster category for something like that.

 There are more modern monsters, like the Wolf Man, the Mummy, the Blob, Dracula, Frankenstein, FEMA, and ’NSYNC. There are legendary monsters like the Loch Ness monster, the Abominable Snowman, and that superhag Cruella de Ville. She was the all-time scariest witch for Dalmatian puppies, bar none. I’ve seen Big Foot on tape and in photographs and I’m iffy on him. He doesn’t look that scary to me, because he looks like Chewbacca from Star Wars.

I think Godzilla wins for the coolest monster with the best musical score. He blows fire out his mouth and blows up harbors with one breath. He stomps and smashes bridges, throws airplanes, and kicks skyscrapers 16 miles in either direction. He seems to get real irritated and snaps. I think it may be over dramatized in the movies, so maybe Godzilla can only knock down buildings and can’t really kick skyscrapers. Filmmakers always blow things out of proportion, so it’s possible he’s not that bad.

Second runner-up would definitely be the Blob. That thing was an out of control slob that resembled oozing orange marmalade, but more violent. It kept growing and growing and rolling around on a jiggling rampage, and it was just disgusting. The Blob rolled over people and they never came out. That’s it. The Blob got them. What a way to go.

Like Godzilla, there is no scientific proof that the Blob is not real, so I’m staying scared of it just in case. FEMA is another slob that keeps growing, and rolling over people.

This modern monster was supposed to help the people of New Orleans and all the other Katrina wrecked communities everywhere else. FEMA should have been there in 15 minutes, with the army, the navy, Oprah, and Sears. Instead, FEMA jiggled around. I know FEMA is real and I’m always going to be totally scared of them since I live in earthquake country. If the big one hits, I’ll be buried under rubble for a month before a FEMA officer stops by to declare I’m not there. Talk about a way to go.

 Monsters are generally more scared of us than we are of them, and will not harm you if you do not show fear. This is why I think Godzilla will get me. It is impossible for me to bump into Godzilla and show no fear at all. He will know I am scared and so will I. The Abominable Snowman cannot get me because I will not get near any snow. He’s crossed off my list of monsters that bother me because I am not in the right geographical location. Godzilla has been confined to Japan thus far, so I think I’m good. Still, I’d feel bad if he comes back and  smashes up Tokyo, leaving thousands stranded, and hopeless and hungry. Who can you call after something like that?

 Call FEMA at 1-800-U-R-SCRWD.